A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
work smarter, not harder
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Pigeon open mic night.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition