Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

🤭

subtitles are so good nowadays

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Saturday

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.