a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
This could be us but you eatin’
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.