a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags