a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.


me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No


If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.


Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.


Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.


If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific



– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car


1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”