Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!
– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car
1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”
“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”