@awhalefact

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

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@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@KellsPlayer

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

@Social_Mime

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

@KeetPotato

[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

@ASamorex

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

@LizHackett

I don’t like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say “The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys.”

@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…