@awhalefact

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@squirrel74wkgn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

@JermHimselfish

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@GrantTanaka

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

@MsSkarsgaard

Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!

– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car

@BromanConsul

1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”