a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.