a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Weirdly Wednesday.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Who chose this font
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there