Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Strange

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.