a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
no regrets
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.