@awhalefact

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

You Might Also Like

@myonlymizztake

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@HeidiCF8

I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.

@c_puzzler

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@hilaryfairie

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

@upsidedowntrash

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

@heatherlou_

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.