Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe