Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

When I can’t barge, I careen.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

rise and shine we got egg

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.