Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.