Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Sniffing the broccoli

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!