A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
*praying for world peace*
God:
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.