A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.