A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now