A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Creative Problem Solving
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Yep.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have a new favorite meme page
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.