Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Snack for election night!

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*