A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
not for long
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Netflix and you sit over there.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?