Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

this post was so formative to me

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.