A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Sounds like a bargain
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Proctology is located in A55
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.