“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.