Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

No flush

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.