A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
You Might Also Like
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
