A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry