A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me as a therapist: omg same
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.