Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Spring of Deception
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
fixed it
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.