Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.