Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M