A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.