A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum