A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.