A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Brilliant!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
They got Raph!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”