A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?