A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”