Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

😂🤣😂🤣

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes