A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Genius.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
