A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
