A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
bugs when you lift up a rock
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]