A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
everyone’s a critic
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Friends that check up on you >
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…