A wise man once said nothing.
You Might Also Like
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.