A wise man once said nothing.
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During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
best first i’ve ever seen
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???