A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
happy halloween
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds