A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.