A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The asteroid..
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
