Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.