a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
put ‘er there pardner!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I will never stop laughing at this
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.