Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.