Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’
me: so i was watching mindhunter
me: they said serial killers are mean to animals
me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs
911: that’s not rea-
me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there
911: sir i need to end thi-
me: he said it TO HIS FACE
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face