A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Catercrombie & Fish
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*sewing*
A thread
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’