@ChickenFrecklez

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

You Might Also Like

@AdamUrbane

Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@david8hughes

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

@ChaseMit

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@xxsomebunnyxx

A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’

@tweetsbyrocket

me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@LaComtesseJamie

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face