@ChickenFrecklez

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

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@PoliUncorrect

Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

@EllaZee5

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.