I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My dad’s been talking about ufos and alien abductions my whole life but now that they’re going mainstream he’s like nah.