@ChickenFrecklez

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

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@jlock17

I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD’S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD’S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS

@DearAuntAbby

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

@ojedge

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

@SortaBad

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@tlhicks713

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

@UnFitz

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

@MommaUnfiltered

My dad’s been talking about ufos and alien abductions my whole life but now that they’re going mainstream he’s like nah.