A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man