A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”