A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You Might Also Like
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I got bills
They’re multiplying
airing out the snack pack
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
ok like just. call me at this point
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.