Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Many hands make light work

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain