A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
based al yankovic
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.