A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
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Cucumbers Anonymous
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
is this a warning or an offer?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!