A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Me if I was a dog
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.