A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
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Multitask? I can barely unitask
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”