A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
There’s always that one guy
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.