A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I have a type: disappointing
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
12. I think about this all the damn time
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.