A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.