A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
This is me 🤣🤣
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
That’s incredible! 👌
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.