A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
This week’s mood.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.