A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.