Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

me when somebody idk start touching me

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.