A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.