A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs