A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
This will never not be funny to me.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.